PMS woes

I am one of those women who undergo some really crazy mood swings starting 10-12 days before my period. That is almost half a month. My body goes through such drastic ups and downs that it becomes very difficult for me to handle. I suffer from PCOS, for which I take birth control pills to regularize my period. The first side effect of these pills is mood swing. I am not making this up, I cried at a YouTube video this evening where people were prepping for the Boston Marathon and I saw a man running with a wheelchair on which his loved one was enjoying the fresh breath of air.

I am blessed with a brother who has seen me go through the painful and irritable process and always made sure that he gave me the space or attention as needed. It turned out quite well when he started dating a girl and would do the same for her. But not everyone can be that understanding, even if they want to. Some of the common questions asked to me are:

“What can I do to help?” “How can I make this better?” “Am I doing anything wrong?”

The answer to all of these is - I don’t know. I cannot tell you how you can make this better for me. I cannot possibly give you any suggestion when I am not able to handle myself in these times. One moment I am euphoric, the other moment I am crying, and later I am stuffing my face with food that is totally not good for me. I know I should try and get in a light workout, but getting out of bed becomes such a task, that it all just seems far fetched. Sometimes even a person next to me breathing loudly makes me flip.

I am not using this as an excuse to do whatever I want. I don’t even know why I feel the need to put this out there, but it would be nice to have someone at least trying to understand that it is not in my hands, how I react to situations. Sometimes one just needs that someone to hug them and hold them and tell them that everything is going to be okay. Seems like this is a lot to ask for.

Sometimes we feel the need to remind people to be a little more considerate towards us, but repeating it every month only leads to making the opposite person frustrated. Where does that leave us? Nowhere. Possibly wanting to punch another person for breathing too loudly next to us.
The amusing part is that they used to do it all for you before. They used to keep track of your dates. They used to be OKAY with your mood swings. I guess its just a chore now. When it becomes a chore, we just have to let go.

Where’s my bar of chocolate?

Love, thou art a funny, funny thing indeed.

Here’s why I get in trouble time and again, coz I love. I love love and I love to love. Love for me is not something that is between people who are intimately involved or in a relationship or married, but way more than that. I am the kind of person who would also say “I love you” to friends, or just people whom I love.

But with love also comes a certain degree of possessiveness. And that is fine by me as long as it does not result into over possessiveness or obsession. I also get protective and possessive about everyone I love, which is why I have had hard times when my friends started dating guys and I felt like they were ignoring me for no reason. I was a kid back then. Slowly I learned how things worked and worked my way around it.

But this, this was something special. This was love. Every time I said to you that I love you, I got a warm and fuzzy feeling in my heart. I thought it was the same with you. But there I went assuming and I made an ass out of you and me. So when I saw you say “I love you” to her, I died a little inside, and when I saw her say “I love you too” I died a little more.

It’s funny because we’ve been through our share of hard times and eventually reconciled but now its making me feel whether it was just for the heck of it or was it truly because you missed me?

Now when I even think of saying “I Love You” to you, I cringe a little, inside.

This was not part of the plan

This was not part of the plan. This, my life. My close friend told me that maybe this was a part of a bigger plan. I certainly hope so. I wanted to be somewhere else. I wanted to be someone else. I wanted to be with someone, forget someone else. I do not rant here. I do not want to rant here. I should not rant here. On another note, maybe my life is taking a turn for the better, coz it couldn't get any worse, really. I am thinking of shutting this blog down. Too many memories. But then again, I can erase them from here. What do I do with my mind? Funny.

Of wishes and hopes and everything else.

2011 has been an interesting year so far. I don't know if it's me who is growing up or whether the world is just more in my face now. I can see so many changes in myself, it's remarkable. Don't know if it is a good thing or a bad thing, but I feel better about myself and about the world so I guess it must be working out for me. Suddenly things which did not matter a lot start making a lot more difference. Like

Hot Pink Pumps
Slutty Red Lipstick
Oh yeah, the Chanel Nail Polish
Dolce Vita Nude High Heels
That Vero Moda Dress
Going for Muesli with Strawberry Milk over Doughnuts for breakfast
Oh, the Skirt I saw at Zara
A Louis Vuitton clutch (First copy would do too, I am not very pricey like that)
All that chunky jewelry
My Kohl, although it stands at the same place as it always did. Right at the top.

Materialism, You may think? I think not. I would settle for something that is not a huge brand. But I did realize the importance of these things. I mean I know I went all out about inner beauty and stuff like that, but if you feel beautiful inside, you gotta make sure you feel beautiful outside too, right?

Why think of something that you would only dream of wearing when you can go ahead and get it? It's mostly about me feeling good for myself. I no longer call women who wear bright red nail polish as sluts. Because I started wearing it too. If you wanna call me a slut for that, go ahead! But it makes me feel good about myself. Why would I want a man telling me how beautiful I am when I know it for a fact myself? So I have decided to go ahead and make doll myself up, for no one else but myself.

Last month I went out and bought a pair of my first ever High Heels. I am not too tall, but I am not short either. 5 feet 7 is a decent height to go with flats OR heels. But I thought to myself, you know what? you need to go ahead and get these pair of heels just because you have always dreamed of it and never really had the courage to try it on coz you felt too conscious. I tried them on, I felt great instantly. The following week I bought them. Best. Decision. Ever.

The next thing I did was to buy me Hot Red Nail paint and a Dark Red Lipstick. I tried it on. I felt good. I did not know I could look so much prettier with a little bit of make up. Now I must clarify myself here, I am still not in favor of cake-like layers of make up on my face. I think I am naturally good looking like that. No concealing needed in that department. A little bit goes a long way, but a little bit of bold goes even longer. So I bought them too. I wore them to a party last week. Best. Decision. Ever.

I bought me some chunky jewelry and decided to make use of my long hair for once by tying them into various hairstyles each day. Not too loud, but people are noticing the difference. More than the people, I am noticing the difference. I am in love with myself, and I fucking love it. The best love is self love, but then again it is like dancing on a sword, you gotta be very careful you do not cross the safe zone or it will end up cutting you.

I try to stay healthy because I love myself. I do not feel like gorging out on junk food anymore. When I do, I go ahead and eat it. But mostly I have been making smart choices when it comes to eating right and living right. Did it affect my weighing scale? Not a lot. Inches? A LOT. Besides, it makes me feel healthier and more motivated.

I think life has taught me many important lessons in the past and I will always use them as my guide towards what not to do and how not to be a major asshole. But the best thing is, since I love myself, I make sure that I am not letting myself down. Do I feel a void? No. Is there a void? Yes. But it doesn't matter. I'll get through it. Let me put on some of that expensive new blush I bought myself and shadow my eyes so that I hide all that behind it. I love myself. I waited for the 6 hours that lasted 45 days, I will wait for the 24 hours which would last 6 months at the same rate. I will wait. Will I be the same? I think not. But I will wait. Let's see how many more materials I stash in my already full closet.

How has everyone been? Has 2011 changed anything for you?

Why I love Christmas...

Christmas holds a special place in my heart since I can remember. It's not just a festival for me, but a complete season. The atmosphere is buzzing with the festive spirit all around the world, and it times the perfect mark for closing the ends and opening new beginnings. Now before any of you start to think why am I so biased towards Christmas, let me clarify... I have my reasons for why I love this beautiful season!

When I was a little girl, I used to write notes to Santa every year and put them up in my socks every Christmas eve, and the morning excitement knew no bounds :) One year I wrote to Santa to get me a big ol' Christmas Tree, and guess what, I got it! :P A 5 feet long artificial tree <3 I have managed to put up a Christmas Tree almost every year since then, and I decorate it with lots of cotton and all those small gift boxes, and bells, and ribbons, everything!

It's funny that even when the time has changed, and decades have passed by, Christmas still manages to evoke the same feeling in my heart, every year, year after year. I found out who my Santa was, and grew up eventually, but the excitement still remains! Add to it, the weather is beautiful this time of the year, and there is no noise, smoke or pollution involved. The carols playing in the background make you wanna smile instantly, no matter how sad you are.

This Christmas is quite different to me as compared to the last few years. It does mark the ending of an end and the beginning of a new season, of love. It marks the beginning of a new person, a new attitude, a new approach, and a new goal. So this December, I put an end to all the misery and promise myself to remember myself, and cherish the people I love. I apologize to everyone whom I have hurt, knowingly or unknowingly, or have spoken badly of. I forgive everyone who was bad to me, and hurt me or made me upset. I do this because, 2010 was a really bad year for most of the people including me, and I hit rock bottom, but now I have nowhere to go, except up. So here I am, starting on a brand new page, with nothing but smiles and love to give, and forget all the pain and sorrow.

Wishing everyone a Merry Christmas and a very happy 2011 :)
Me.

Dead and Gone...

I turn my head to the east, I don't see nobody by my side
I turn my head to the west, still nobody in sight.....

Lately I have been approached by a couple of my old friends from school, they are my close friends. They say, I have changed. From what I was before. It's a drastic difference in how I have been behaving in this span of 4 years. I agree with them. But does friendship change?

I was a complete "Filmy Character" till I was 18 years old. I used to talk a lot [endlessly], trust people too easily, love people unconditionally, expect a lot from everyone around me, and blame things a lot on every body else. My life was like an open book. I used to live in a reel life world, where I am running in a dark forest, when a knight in shining armor comes to rescue me on his white horse and then takes me away on a land far, far away.. I used to imagine myself in every movie that I watched that time. Every single movie. I used to even dress in loud tacky ways with temporary tattoos on each arm [One with a cupid and the other with a heart]. Sigh.. Those were the days when I could just be as stupid as I liked. And ofcourse, friendship back then was like.. Sharing everything! Right from the sizes of our everything to how many times we went to the loo to every thing about our love lives. Those were the days!

And then, I went away from home, away from friends, at a land far,far away, hoping to find my prince charming there, with a million dreams in my eyes. Enter the real life. I got a smack on my head every single day. I learnt new things. I had to "judge" people now. I had to worry about right and wrong all of a sudden. Most of all, I had to be responsible now. I still tried to be the same one, trusting every one, caring for every one, loving every one, and letting every one know every thing about me. But well, I learnt what life is in a very very hard way. I learnt, I lived, I coped up, and eventually I got good at it. It is what I am now.

In the 4 years that I was away, I spoke to my friends back in India a handful of times, and according to me, it was the same old conversation, atleast from my side, and it felt like we had spoken just yesterday. I spoke and spoke and spoke, but I could feel the reluctance in their voices, wanting to say things but not being able to, just because I was calling from a long distance. Ah well, inspite of me asking, the answer was always, "Everything is fine".

I got back to India last June, as a changed person, and I have been having trouble adjusting eversince. I am still adjusting with every thing around me. Especially friendships. I have stopped socialising. One reason is because I love being alone, second being that I will feel left alone in a crowd. After a lot of coaxing [from their side] I met my close friends last November. It was just like before [from my side again] and we spoke endlessly. The reply from the opposite end was still "Everything is fine".

Oh hey, I've been travelin' on this road too long
Just tryin' to find my way back home
But the old me's dead and gone
Dead and gone

After 6 months, I come to know that there was nothing fine. Things were harshly wrong with this friend of mine. I think she decided herself that it was time that she stopped sharing stuff with her old buddies. We just stood amazed and wondering, as she threw bombs of shocking realities one after the other on us. I thought that things were supposed to be the same.. But they weren't. Nonetheless, we thought this was the incident that would bridge the gap between us and things would be hunky dorie again.

Now, I receive a call, last month, and my friend [the same one] says that I am not the same anymore. She thinks I have changed. She thinks I hide stuff. She thinks I don't tell her things. Really? What were you doing wandering on the streets last night in Mumbai all alone all night, when you told me you would be reaching home? Why did you tell me that you wanted to meet me, when really you wanted an excuse to meet someone else? Is this your friendship? Really? And I have changed...?

......I turn my head to the east, I don't see nobody by my side
I turn my head to the west, still nobody in sight
So I turn my head to the north, swallow that pill that they call pride
That old me's dead and gone but the new me will be alright...

... I love this song.

Friendship is nothing less than a Love affair, and a Love affair is nothing more than friendship.
-As said by the great Satans Darling™

Love and Fate

This is my second attempt at writing a poetry. It's just like an emotional outburst. It is a true story by the way, about me and my close friend. I know it is too long but I could not make it any shorter either! Waiting for criticism and comments!




She was the girl whom anyone could love,
Shy to the core,
Tall as a tree and fair as a dove,
I always wanted to know more.
She thought she was inferior,
For actually it was otherwise,
She actually was superior,
I admired her for her intelligence, beauty and poise.

He was my friend from school,
Or should I call him an acquaintance?
Girls always found him smart and cool,
I had a liking for him in abundance.
He had the cutest smile, for real
He was my secret crush
It was all bizarre but surreal
But I never spoke to him – Other girls were in a rush.

She had misconceptions about herself,
Doesn’t even know what her name means
But God helps those who help themselves,
And he helped her find the man of her dreams!
He is known as the ruler of the water,
But as they say – What’s in name?
Maybe he was a silent ruler
For he had her heart and won the game!

I admired her then, I love her now.
I liked him then, I admire him now.
He loved her, She loved him,
They wanted to speak, but how?
She is my closest friend,
We share all the secrets,
He is still an acquaintance,
But I know his secret!

They had never spoken then,
Just the shy glances and smiles,
The course finished, they parted ways
And lived separate lives.
She met someone, he met someone,
They both made adjustments
But somewhere deep inside their hearts,
There was no contentment.

Days passed, weeks passed,
She said she was over it.
Months passed, years passed.
I could not believe she was saying it.
I knew how much she loved him still,
I tried to tell him then,
I asked him again recently,
He said, “I don’t know, What?! When?”

He tried to be my friend that time,
Trying to know as much as possible,
I told him, “This is not the time,
She is happy, and this is impossible”.
But then, we all are in the hands of fate,
It always wanted them to be,
He thought, “This time I better not be late”
It is time to know whether we are to be or not to be.

His heart was filled with hopes so high,
He thought it’s surely worth a try,
For what it’s worth he won’t regret
That he didn’t make her an offer she can’t deny!
He made the move; she made him a friend,
They spoke for hours innumerable,
They were sad that they made it end
For time is not remunerable.

But right here fate comes into play,
They couldn’t run too long,
She left someone, He left someone,
The feelings were so strong.
They wished the best for their someone,
For being by their side
They wished they do the best in life,
With someone better by their side.

They know each other oh so well,
He knows her thoughts before she tells
She knows his anger, she knows his love,
And he is a pro, the way he cares.
She is still my closest friend,
Inspite of all the distance
And I now call him a friend,
Tired of calling him an acquaintance.

I hope and wish and long and pray
That they remain together this way,
The silent ruler and his beautiful dove,
Forever shower each other with love
They got what they both deserved
I hope they don’t stay this reserved
Coz while this whole spell was cast
I was the one to know the last!

Nevertheless, I am very happy,
I have been smiling all day
To see my sweetie smile with joy
Has made this a beautiful day
I thought of writing this poetry
But now that all is said,
I think what I just composed,
Is a story Instead!
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Was that the worst day of my life?

Yesterday was the birthday of my dear friend Ami. I wished her at 1203am sharp IST through SMS since I am out of town these days. She thanked all her friends, including me, in her blog entry thanking everyone for their wishes. I felt very special, mainly because it is rare to feel special in return when you make someone feel special in the first place. Everything was so good, even when we are so far from each other, we feel so near, thanks to technology and also our abilities to be good at expression :P [I'm not boasting].

What I forgot in this whole deal is that another dear friend of mine, Annie, also had her birthday yesterday. It totally skipped out of my mind! I did not know it in the first place, but had happened to read a public conversation between Annie and Ami where they had mentioned that they shared their Birth dates! I spoke to Annie this evening, apologized for being late and sent her belated wishes too, but that was not going to do any good to the horrible day she had yesterday. Deep down inside, I do know what exactly she felt yesterday. It feels really, really bad. The crazy girl that I am, I thought of making Annie feel better by telling her an experience of mine which is worse than the day she had yesterday, maybe that would make her feel better :P. I know it may not be the right thing to do, but it did not work anyway because she was in a hurry to leave. But the whole idea that I had planned to make Annie feel better brought back some old memories, So I will put the incident down here anyway [in brief] so that she manages to read it and feel better whenever she gets the time! ;)

On my 21st Birthday, I was in Canada, unfortunately it was also my 1 year anniversary of dating my male interest, on the very same day. I ended up spending the entire day with my enemy, I did not see the face of my guy the entire day[in spite of living in the same house], and he wished me Happy Anniversary at 1201am on the next day! I had planned so many things, how I would spend a romantic evening with my beau, but it turned out exactly the opposite. He was working all day. I was away from home, away from quality family time [I always miss them a lot when they are seven seas away from me], I had no friends since I was in a new city, and I had no gifts! Can you believe a birthday with no gifts :( It sucks! Especially for me. Even if I grow 80 years old, I will still love to cut a nice cake on my birthday but I didn't even do that. No cake. I thought it would be double celebration but it was doubly worse. I cried rivers and oh well... I am not with the guy anymore either. But the moral of the whole story is that never plan your birthday! Or any special day! The more you plan the worse it goes... That is why I am open to surprises ;) Expect the best surprise but prepare for the worst. If any of the readers of this blog entry have had a worse birthday, feel free to share!


P.S. This one was for you Annie. Wishing you a belated Happy Birthday once again, have a great year ahead! And yes, the cake is for you, but I have shamelessly helped myself with the first piece. Darn, THAT is why I cannot lose my weight! Anyhow, let me know how you like it!:)

The Thin Red Line

Hello Blogosphere :) Guess I could not stay away from blogging for long :P

Well, I am a huge fan of the F.R.I.E.N.D.S. TV series, and by huge fan I mean that I managed to buy the entire collection of the copyrighted DVD's of all their seasons.. Yay! But that is not what I am going to be talking about. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately [Since I don't have much work to do :P] just a general wondering.. Do friends like that still exist?

I know many people would beg to differ from the statement I made above, but come to think of it, sooner or later we all become selfish inside. And that does not mean that we are bad people, but experiences and time change us eventually. I find it very difficult to trust people around me these days. And more than trust, it is that feeling of growing apart... We have our own special childhood friends [Chaddi Buddies] and we promise each other that we will be friends forever, we exchange keychains and pendants and make greeting cards for each other, write BFF all over their hand on Friendship Day and talk virtually all the time over the telephone. We can dial each others numbers even when we are blindfolded and can tell each others favourite colors, movie and actor/actress because we have it on the tip of our tongue. We grow up together and go to the same junior college and share each others accessories to wear for college. We like the same guy, but would give him up for the sake of our friendship. We bunk college together and sneak out to go to the beach and watch movies first day first show. We study together for our board exams and help each other do better. But then, suddenly one day we go to college by ourselves and not with each other and take the opposite for granted. We choose separate fields for higher education and then we all go different ways. Yes, we call each other on birthdays and get usual updates about each other but we won't meet up because we have a boyfriend who we think is more important that the childhood friend. We watch a movie with our boyfriend instead. We email each other, we scrap each other, we sms each other. But we cannot spare time for each other for old times sake. Where are we leading to? Aren't we turning too selfish? Aren't we getting too busy with living our lives without our close friends? It is a vicious circle.

There are eight kinds of friends which I have observed. There is a very thin line between them. That is why I named my post The Thin Red Line :P [As you may have already guessed by now].

The first one is the fake friend. The one who is oh so sweet with you on your face and bitches about you right behind your back. The second one is the time pass friend. The one with whom you speak all the bullshit under the face of this earth, you go out, have fun, then say goodbye and carry on with living your life. The third one is the friend who takes advantage of you. I don't think I need to explain this one. They keep exploiting us but we just let them go every time just because we think they have a good heart. But everything has a limit, who knows whats the truth. They would disappear the very next day when their work with us is done. The fourth one is the friend for namesake. They expect a bit too much, and are hurt too easily. They would expect you to meet them and go shopping when you're busy with your uncle's post funeral ceremony. That's not all. You have to explain a lot to them and say sorry a million times and then go shopping with them to make it up for that "blunder". The fifth one is the friend who is a good listener. This one has three parts [a], [b] and [c]. All of them listen to everything you have to say, all the things you want to let out in front of them. The difference is that [a] listens to it all and keeps quiet. [b] listens to it with one ear and lets it go out from the other. [c] listens to it all and lets it go out through his/her mouth in front of the whole world. The sixth one, is the friend for life. They're a bit of all the above mentioned types, but they really care for us. They really do. The seventh one is the Companion. Whom we call our girlfriends/boyfriends/husbands/wives. The eighth one... last but not the least, is the kind of friend that cannot be described within the limits of words. We all have one such friend.

I have had very few friends in my life. Right from my childhood. The world thinks I am snobbish and have an attitude problem. I really don't, but I do agree that I am quiet and reserved around people I meet for the first time. When I look back at my journey so far, I can only think of a few names who deserve to be called my friends. I am home alone since last night and have been missing all my friends. So here's to all my lovely friends, I would have not been this way if it was not for you guys :) Now you decide whether I am good or bad, or good girl gone bad :P

Santoshri, Neli, Bhumika, Vidya, Dhruvi, Harsh, Devang, Rajat, Nikhil, Nabila, Rakhi, Angel, Polo. Thanks for coming into my life, you make it beautiful just by being in it. Whether in touch or not in touch. You will remain my closest buddies forever. I know I have not mentioned everyone, but like I said before, they are of the Eighth kind ;) A special mention for a special group of friends in my life whom I have not even met, but feel so connected with them [ILMBF]... Love all of you...

As I end this post I remember the lines from a song of Paul McCartney:

There is a fine line, between recklessness and courage
It's about time, you understood which road to take
It's a fine line, your decision makes a difference
Get it wrong, you'll be making a big mistake

Come on brother, all is forgiven
We all cried when you were driven away
Come on brother, everything is better
Everything is better when you come home and stay....