2016.

I know, I know. We are not in 2016 yet. We make all these resolutions and decide to change our lives from January 1st every year, year after year, and set goals for ourselves, but I am only coming to realize off late that it doesn't matter what date it is, what time it is, or what moment it is. On that note, let us review the year that was.

1. To be able to do lunges/squats comfortably with a barbell. - Acheived!

2. To be Bikini ready by the end of December. - Nope. Not quite there yet.

3. To start saving money (seriously, I spend everything I earn. Like, everything. Need to be more responsible) - Still working on this one.

4. Take 2 international trips and 2 trips within India. - Well, I took 1 international trip and 4 within India. Does that count? I think so.

5. To take a leap of faith careerwise. - I don't think I am quite there yet.

6. Buy a DSLR - Nope.

7. Take food blogging more seriously. - A little bit, yes.

8. Replace my entire wardrobe (except any 5 items that hold sentimental value) - A big yes!

9. Finish another Marathon. - Didn't happen.

10. Travel with Lover. - Yes.

2015 started out on a great note but I cannot say the same about the note it is ending on. I am glad that this year is getting over and I am positive that 2016 will bring in happiness and success for all of us. I have been writing these checklists for years now, but I don't think I will be continuing to do so anymore. I am going to look at the bigger picture, and just be grateful for everything that I have and pray for the well being of everyone around me. I hope 2016 makes me a better person, helps me exercise wisdom and maturity, and give me the strength to hold on to my one true love.

May the force be with all of us.

PMS woes

I am one of those women who undergo some really crazy mood swings starting 10-12 days before my period. That is almost half a month. My body goes through such drastic ups and downs that it becomes very difficult for me to handle. I suffer from PCOS, for which I take birth control pills to regularize my period. The first side effect of these pills is mood swing. I am not making this up, I cried at a YouTube video this evening where people were prepping for the Boston Marathon and I saw a man running with a wheelchair on which his loved one was enjoying the fresh breath of air.

I am blessed with a brother who has seen me go through the painful and irritable process and always made sure that he gave me the space or attention as needed. It turned out quite well when he started dating a girl and would do the same for her. But not everyone can be that understanding, even if they want to. Some of the common questions asked to me are:

“What can I do to help?” “How can I make this better?” “Am I doing anything wrong?”

The answer to all of these is - I don’t know. I cannot tell you how you can make this better for me. I cannot possibly give you any suggestion when I am not able to handle myself in these times. One moment I am euphoric, the other moment I am crying, and later I am stuffing my face with food that is totally not good for me. I know I should try and get in a light workout, but getting out of bed becomes such a task, that it all just seems far fetched. Sometimes even a person next to me breathing loudly makes me flip.

I am not using this as an excuse to do whatever I want. I don’t even know why I feel the need to put this out there, but it would be nice to have someone at least trying to understand that it is not in my hands, how I react to situations. Sometimes one just needs that someone to hug them and hold them and tell them that everything is going to be okay. Seems like this is a lot to ask for.

Sometimes we feel the need to remind people to be a little more considerate towards us, but repeating it every month only leads to making the opposite person frustrated. Where does that leave us? Nowhere. Possibly wanting to punch another person for breathing too loudly next to us.
The amusing part is that they used to do it all for you before. They used to keep track of your dates. They used to be OKAY with your mood swings. I guess its just a chore now. When it becomes a chore, we just have to let go.

Where’s my bar of chocolate?

2015 Checklist!

Hello again!

First of all, if you're reading this, let me wish you a very very happy new year. Hope 2014 was a great year for you and even if it wasn't, hope it gave you the strength to see it all through and never give up. Wishing everyone a fantastic 2015!

As for me, 2014 was a year which at the end of it has left me with no major complaints. Every year I sit down on the same date and try to summarize the year that was, realizing how much I learned and grew as a person, but this year taught me how to prioritize my feelings. It taught me to value myself more, to make myself happy and content, to feel accomplishment, and go to bed with a smile on my face. All of this, but not in a selfish way. I really think I deserved that. Almost no one can fiddle with your mind once you start being happy with yourself!

Lets see how I did in 2014, here we go!

1. Lose Weight. Get Fit. Build Stamina. CHECK! Although this change occurred only post late November, I am going to give myself credit for it. I really do feel I have become more fitness oriented, not in the "lose weight" kind of way but more like leading a healthy, fit and strong lifestyle. I workout for 2 hours, 5 days a week and have managed to lose 8 kilograms of pure, unadulterated fat since 22nd November 2014.

2. Run a Marathon: CHECK! Well, lets not call it a Marathon, it was a Walk-a-thon. But I did it. I only did a 5k walk in 55 minutes. But I did it. I have built my stamina way more and can cover close to 10 km now, but I did it. On to bigger marathons this year! :)

3. Travel More with Lover.: FAIL. There is a reason. He moved to my city in September for a project. Since he is now based out of Bombay, it has been quite hectic getting him settled in, and him adapting to the pace of Bombay, while finding a place to stay, managing work, home, maids, cleanliness, bills etc. We just haven't had the time. But he's settled here now, for few months at least, and travel is definitely on the cards.

4. Get a Flying Job.: FAIL. To say that Aviation in India is going through a bad phase would probably be an understatement. As much as I love to fly, I have started to think practically. I am giving myself till the mid of 2015 where I'd focus on flying as my career completely. If nothing happens, I am prepared for a switch.

5. Learn to Let Go: CHECK. I have realized that the more I try to force myself to let go of things, the more I cannot. So I finally decided to go with the flow and I am very happy to report that I am not having emotional breakdowns in the middle of Ghulam Ali Ghazals anymore!

6. Value people who value you: CHECK. I have made it a practice to value peoples' emotions towards me, especially the positive ones. Sure, I have my special someone who I drive crazy with being stubborn and the least understanding person ever, but in general, I have learned to value words spoken by people who know the value of words and feelings.

7. Help the needy. CHECK. CHECK. CHECK.

8. Learn to Listen: CHECK. I must confess, I had the toughest time dealing with this one until after September 2014, but I am learning to listen. I am learning to shut up as well.

9. Write more often. CHECK. I have been fairly regular with my food blog this year. But I can still improve on the frequency of my posts!

10. Learn a new Language. CHECK CHECK CHECK! Oui, you're reading from Mademoiselle Ashrita who has completed her beginners level in French speaking! :) This month I am starting with level 2! YAY!

80% again! Damn! Needed to do better!

Alright, lets set some goals for 2015.

1. To be able to do lunges/squats comfortably with a barbell.

2. To be Bikini ready by the end of December.

3. To start saving money (seriously, I spend everything I earn. Like, everything. Need to be more responsible)

4. Take 2 international trips and 2 trips within India.

5. To take a leap of faith careerwise.

6. Buy a DSLR

7. Take food blogging more seriously.

8. Replace my entire wardrobe (except any 5 items that hold sentimental value)

9. Finish another Marathon.

10. Travel with Lover.

All the best to me, and to you! What are your resolutions this year? I would love to know!

Clusterfuck.

SNAFU. FUBAR.

Charlie Foxtrot.

Some of the terms I can associate my life with at this very instant. I wish I could go ahead and post something cryptic yet philosophical, make some smart references, throw in a metaphor or two here and there but the fact will still remain. My life is a clusterfuck.

I am nothing if not a planner and the plan I had for my life has long fallen flat, caught fire and burned to ashes at this stage. I have no focus, no direction, I am ready to go anywhere, but its just that I have no destination. Some may call this living on the edge, taking it one day at a time, but it just makes me feel sorry for myself at the end of the day, for being okay with achieving even something that is close to nothing. Why am I okay with this? Am I really prepared for living my life this way? I don't know.

Its supposed to be the festive season, and I am sitting at home, alone, typing a blog post about how miserable my life is, while I am almost dizzy with the medication for my flu. I don't see the point in dressing up anymore. I don't feel the festive spirit. No one's smiling around me. I have no energy to say anything positive to anyone either.

Emotionally I am not doing great either. I wish I could elaborate. But it'll just make me cry. That's the thing with clusterfucks. Its all haywire.

Snip.

You know, I have realized that having to lose weight is not just a physical but a mental process. Once you dig deep enough to get to the point where you're so lost, you don't know what to do or say or think, when you break down and cry like a baby, when you let go off that tough exterior, you lose a lot of emotional baggage and that shows on the weighing scale as well as on your body too. I am still a work in progress as far as all this goes, but I think I am ready to be out with the old and in with what and who really matters.

Over the years I have spoken about de cluttering and letting go but when we say we let go of things, we sometimes bury some emotions just because we are not in the state of facing them at all. Those emotions, in our opinion are not worth the hurt and tears, but they cause us more damage than we can think. Every time we talk to someone we are seemingly opening up to, we speak about either having some emotional skeletons in our closet or having gone through a lot in life and being able to feel the pain of some people because we experienced it at some point in our past. Did we really deal with those emotions at all?

I guess we need to fish out all those buried emotions from inside, and deal with them, cry over them, and when we talk to people the next time, we think to ourselves that as much as we are aware of how it felt, we are so glad that we are not in a place that we can feel it anymore.

I just wrote a Dear John letter to my jerk of an ex boyfriend. Although it has been several years since we broke up, I guess there was some part of me that kept certain emotions locked inside. It would have been another story if it was anything happy but all those memories are of disapproval and betrayal. I wrote to him saying that I forgive him for everything he did, not because of any other thing but for my own peace of mind.

I feel light headed already. He will probably send me an email back with a list of swear words I would have never heard of, but you know what, I forgive him. I will update on how this affected my weight loss goals next week. 

2014 Checklist.

Hello Blogosphere!

I guess the relationship between me and this blog has become that what is between two people who were once best friends, but now only end up calling each other on Birthdays (New Year in this case) but that doesn't mean one bit that they do not love each other. They just understand the absence. The annual phone call (blog post) becomes introspective and self evaluative which is always a good thing, but one thing remains constant, that comfort level like you just met yesterday, and updating each other on life happenings is just so much fun!

So here I am, in that introspective and self evaluative mode, with last year's checklist, and in full swing to make a new one.

2013 Checklist:

1. Get fitter, leaner. FAIL. I have been neglecting my health all of this year and really need to buck up and make a change in my routine for my own well being.

2. Think a million times before letting people into your life. Check. I am of the kind who refuses to let go of things. Be it people or instances which hurt me. While I am still working on that, I have been very very careful about letting new people into my life. Funny thing is, the more I try to shun some people away, they carve their way into my heart. I am only thankful and I feel so loved that I earned not one but two beautiful friends this year.

3. Get your dream job. Check+Fail Baking has been going on full throttle *touchwood* and my creative juices have been flowing in full swing. Whatever keeps me creating new stuff everyday definitely makes me happy! But still waiting for my Flying job!

4. Reward yourself more often. Check Just yesterday I was talking about this same thing with someone, saying that I have decided to reward myself more often. I have been shopping for myself steadily over the second half of this year, and maybe spent a bit too much on myself but hell, I love it!

5. Try not getting hurt by what other people say about you. Check+Fail Like I said in point 2. above, it has been difficult to let go. But I have been making a conscious effort at not letting those things affect me. Still need to work on it though!

6. Travel more. Check Traveled to Mussoorie this year for a wedding! Then the numerous Delhi trips, Miami happened, and I know its lame but being a Mumbaikar I only managed to reach Lonavala this year! So a big Check!

7. Manage a Piggy Bank. Check. I have been lousily managing one. But yes I have been managing one and thats what counts :P

8. More Shoes, More Make up! Check People! I have 8 new pairs of shoes and a whole new make up wardrobe! *happy dance*

9. Give up on Aerated Drinks except Soda with a squeeze of Lemon/Sweet Lime. Check I actually have grown over Aerated Drinks except I crave for Cola with Pizza or Butter Chicken.

10. Love the love like you never loved anyone else. Check. Check. Check. I am head over heels in love.

80% ain't bad!! :D I am happy!

Here goes my checklist for 2014:

1. Lose Weight. Get Fit. Build Stamina.

2. Run a Marathon

3. Travel More with Lover.

4. Get a Flying Job.

5. Learn to Let Go

6. Value people who value you.

7. Help the needy.

8. Learn to Listen

9. Write more often

10. Learn a new Language.

Lets see how this goes! Bring it on 2014! 

Expectation v/s Acceptation

When we are with people we love and/or care about, we tend to do somethings and expect to be taken for granted. We expect them to just let it go. When we're close to someone, we expect them to know how our mind works and how we may or may not have reacted in such and such situation. We expect them to understand us when we are not able to express, we expect them to listen when we just wanna go on and on about nothing. We cannot help it, we just do. It is a part and parcel of every single relationship, be it personal or professional. A boss expects you to work, you expect your boss to pay you the salary. You expect Mom to to make you food when you're young and she expects you to score well in exams. You expect your boyfriend to do a certain set of things, as does he. We have to face it. We cannot help but expect, but what is more difficult, is to accept.

Acceptation is the mother of all bitches. Accepting your significant other as they are, with or without their baggage, now that is the real deal. Accepting that your child is only an average student, is an achievement. Accepting that you have grown up and may as well help Mom out with making meals at home, is a huge step. Accepting your salary coming in 15 days late in bad times is something we have to make do with, and that your employee is a lazy ass is the kind of acceptance a boss has to deal with. Acceptance is the hidden reality in every single relationship, be it personal or professional. We cannot help but expect, but we have do put in a lot of effort to accept. When we're close to someone, we have to accept them for who they are, whether they are the kinds who would go on and on even when we don't wanna listen or never utter a single word when you want them to talk. We have to accept. Because there WILL be expectations. There will be Faux Pas. The real question is, do we want to accept?

When there is acceptance, there will be more expectations. But is the person worth it? Is he or she worth investing into?


I know you are.

Love, thou art a funny, funny thing indeed.

Here’s why I get in trouble time and again, coz I love. I love love and I love to love. Love for me is not something that is between people who are intimately involved or in a relationship or married, but way more than that. I am the kind of person who would also say “I love you” to friends, or just people whom I love.

But with love also comes a certain degree of possessiveness. And that is fine by me as long as it does not result into over possessiveness or obsession. I also get protective and possessive about everyone I love, which is why I have had hard times when my friends started dating guys and I felt like they were ignoring me for no reason. I was a kid back then. Slowly I learned how things worked and worked my way around it.

But this, this was something special. This was love. Every time I said to you that I love you, I got a warm and fuzzy feeling in my heart. I thought it was the same with you. But there I went assuming and I made an ass out of you and me. So when I saw you say “I love you” to her, I died a little inside, and when I saw her say “I love you too” I died a little more.

It’s funny because we’ve been through our share of hard times and eventually reconciled but now its making me feel whether it was just for the heck of it or was it truly because you missed me?

Now when I even think of saying “I Love You” to you, I cringe a little, inside.

Walking down the memory lane.

I have been staring at this empty typing box for 5 minutes before I actually started typing. Too much to be told, things that were never said before, bonds that no one understood, and an utter load of confusion. But alas, there are no regrets. Hope still keeps the day alive.

When I look back at the first post on this blog, I see what a long way I have come and how many changes took place, I am a completely different person now. In retrospect, I just grew up. Still growing up. Growing more aware of everything and the conscience has started to matter more than it ever did, till date. I am becoming good people, people! Time to change my blog link? I don't know that yet.

I met people who changed my life and molded me into the way I am today and I am thankful to each and every one of them. I am sorry for the things that should have been but did not turn out to be, and I am happy that what was meant to be happened in that moment. The sad part is that I don't know whether I would be able to love anyone the same way ever again. I don't know if I will be able to trust someone again.

But what if someone came along and made all that numbness and void go away?
The hope still remains.

55 Word Story - Theme - Café

15^th July. It was his birthday. And this was their ritual. Every time they would end up at this coffee shop where they met on the day they started going out. A small kiss happened, and she walked to the restroom. Soon, he followed. Making out in the Café bathroom was their annual birthday ritual!

Never too late to check up on checklists!

First of all wishing everyone a very Happy New Year!!!

I started 2012 on a very amazing note, but more on that later. For now, I have to see how many things I managed to strike off my checklist in 2011!! So here it goes.

1. Health is wealth. Concentrate on my health and overall well being.

Joined a Gym in June. So I am 15 kilos lighter and looking much better. Feels great to get back in shape!!! :)

3. Learn to get out of my shell. Dance like no ones watching me.

Typing this after I gave 5 back to back dance performances yesterday, belly dancing, zumba, bollywood mixed! So yes this is a HUGE check!

4. Focus more on my career path this year. Get a freaking job!

Pending.

5. Take a trip, with a friend. Or even all alone. Just some me time.

Took 3 trips this year. Went to Singapore, Kuala Lumpur, Port Blair, Chennai, Kolhapur, Goa and Pune.

6. Learn to trust people. But not to over trust them.

Huge Check.

7. Give space, take space. Give respect, take respect.

Have been doing better on this one too!

8. Buy a new cellphone.

Pending

9. Get a new hair do.

Got a new hair do THRICE this year! Yay me :P

10. Try to blog regularly :P

Started a food blog :) Have been consistently regular on blogsville!

11. Try to learn a new language. Not the basic, but the advanced.

Pending

12. Buy at least 4 new pairs of shoes. It is harder than it seems when you have a size 13 women shoe :P

Bought 5!!! :D

13. Change my blog url.

Pending

So I am really happy with all that I have managed to get done in 2011!! :D Here is my off the top of my mind checklist for 2012:

1. Must. Get. A. Job.

2. Lose 10 more kilos.

3. Try to run a Marathon.

4. Learn a New Language.

5. Buy a new Cellphone.

6. Buy a new Camera.

7. Be in a LBD ready body.

8. Buy more shoes.

9. Spread Love.

10. Stay in Love.

It is harder than it looks! But I hope I do even better next year! What is your new years checklist?

That time of the month.

No, I am not talking about PMS, for all those who are wondering.

It's that time of the month, where you just wanna take a rain check on everything just because you are so overwhelmed with all the information that comes to you, good or bad. You just wanna hit the pause button and breathe for a second. You feel happy, sad, angry, excited and upset all at the same time. To sum it up in two words, you feel "messed up". But with people like me this is the story of our lives. Happens with us more often than not. And I love it this way.

This is that time of the year when I go on and on about de-cluttering our closets and hence our lives. With Diwali around the corner I have no other option but to clean my room (It is not dirty, just that I like to collect a lot of unwanted stuff) and discard what is really not required - like bills from a restaurant which is a decade old, or clothes that are never going to fit me again, to my high school notes to old embarrassing diaries. The diary bit, I like. Every year I read it and I evaluate myself. But this time, in the middle of a huge pile of unwanted paperwork, I found an old CD with my ex's name written on it. Curiosity always kills the Cat and I am no exception. I had to check out what was in that CD. In my usual situation, waterworks would follow looking at all those pictures and videos of us together, and all the songs we loved listening to, everything. But you know what, I am alright. I feel happy.

Exes can never be friends - A lesson which I thought I had learned. But then you know what, it is okay to be friends with your exes as long as you know the boundaries and can categorize your heart and mind well. I was friends with one of my exes for a long time till my notion was changed by my recent ex. I am sure my recent ex still wants me to be friends with him as do I, and that is the biggest contradiction to the exes-cannot-be-friends theory. One of the reasons why this does not hold true in my case is that none of my break ups have been ugly. There was no name calling, no hurling abuses, no disrespect and no grudges. So why not be friends then?

I don't know why am I writing all this on here, it is just I am so overwhelmed after watching those videos and seeing the pictures, the whole journey is just flashing right before my eyes. I was this irresponsible, immature, unaware and hyper excited girl, just so happy to be all by herself for once, and look at where I am now. I mean the difference is massive. The sheer loudness in my volume and actions had me sitting jaw dropped in front of my computer screen in a state of a minor shock. The looseness of my posture, the body language, the dressing sense, the messy hair, the skin... I could go on and on. I am kinda freaked out right now. I know I am at a much better place, and can analyze things and have a better judgment of people. I have learned to forgive and I have learned to apologize. I do not have any regrets, and after all, this is how growing up happens right?

It's just that when I look at girls in their late teens now, and see them behaving the exact same way like I did when I was about their age, I probably would try to cut them some slack. One should never jump to conclusions with anyone. Someone very special to me told me that every one is unique. Einstein failed his 10th grade, perhaps because he sucked at sitting there and mugging up everything. But he went on and found out the theory of relativity and much more. Everyone has something special about them. You have something really special about you too. Some people even are really good at being bad people. Just their specialization I guess.

I lost a distant cousin this evening. He was on the bike with his wife and their 8 month old baby, and he passed away on the spot. His wife is under intensive care. The baby is scratch less... I really don't deal with any news involving deaths very well. I just go numb. I don't cry. I don't feel anything. I am feeling very sorry though. But the sheer thought of death of anyone that I love scares the hell out of me. I think it is just a downside of starting to love your life. Ha, you hate your life and you get lemons, when you love it, you still get lemons. But I would still choose to go from here putting on a happy face.

I have a friend who I have lost complete touch with. She lives on the other side of this world. The thing is, while I lost touch with her, I became a good friend of her younger sister who is in her late teens. She is going through a pretty tough time right now. An unwanted pregnancy. Too late to abort. She hasn't told anyone and is living at a shelter as of now. She has a sleeping disorder so she cannot sleep on time. She cannot eat anything because she pukes out most of the food she eats. There are very few times where I have nothing to say, and this is one of those. I just wish her the best and hope she finds the strength to face all this with a brave shield.

On top of all that, I read a blog post today talking about the ABCs of having gal pals without the drama. A lot of that made sense to me. And then I realized that I do have some really cool ladies in my life, more than I would care to admit. Guys in my life are pretty practical and good friends but I'm telling you, when you start looking better, most of them start getting attracted to you and then it all just spirals down into nothingness. So I am happy with my girlies, whom I never gave any credit for being as amazing as they are, and will continue to stay so.

I am just so overwhelmed with everything that is going around me right now, and somehow it is just not enough no matter how much I try to sum it up into words. I am trying to direct it in the most positive way possible, and I really cannot get myself to talk to anyone about all this. But, for the first time since I started my blog, I feel like I am talking to you guys. Just a stupid rant though!

Growing Up = Letting Go.

Life has been throwing minor punches in my face so frequently over the past few months that I have become non responsive and have decided to give in and absorb what I can. There were numerous instances when I thought about going ahead and blogging about it, but you know what, it all felt incomplete. Like there is a lot more coming my way. Playing Miss Spongebob has helped me in more ways than I can imagine and introspection in itself has been dug deep into and revelations that took place only brought out how much in denial I had been living for the past half a decade. But that is all part of growing up, right? Right.

From indulging into retail therapy to realizing the importance of knowing my body as a medium to know myself, from turning into a social animal to embracing something I knew always existed within me but never found the drive to give my everything to it, from changing my wardrobe to changing my look, from deleting my laptop and computer history to renaming every single folder on there, from reading between the lines to regretting being a whorezilla to people, it has been a real steep learning curve, and only one thing has been constant - Change.

I think one can only find happiness inside their heart when they learn to let go. Let it go people, for real. Coz the best feeling in this world is when you forgive people, when you forgive yourselves, and keep this in mind that life is nothing but a series of changes, which you will keep adapting to, now and forever. I have had a hard time letting go of people who managed to hurt me, and here's the thing about that - people can hurt me only if they have been that close to me or have had me love them at one point or the other. I do not get hurt by strangers. But when I do get hurt, I find myself in that awkward spot where I feel they might have belittled me just coz I loved them unconditionally, which in turn unleashes the bitchy whore in me. And then I just spew out words right from my emotional gutter, inventing new things and just filling out my own heart with hatred. That was so not cool. I should specify one thing though, no matter how much hate I send at you, I will NEVER, EVER wish badly for you. I can promise you that much.

But here I am, apologizing my heart out to anyone I might have bitched about, knowingly or unknowingly, or hurt them in any way whatsoever. Except one person, who hurt me so bad that I have not found it in my heart to be nice to them yet. I don't think that's gonna happen either. But yeah, other than that, Please forgive me guys, and know that I love all of you the same.

Life, like it is.

I have been learning this more and more as each day passes - Life is unpredictable. Just when you think you've got it all figured out, it pulls you down to rock bottom and just when you have almost given up and have no more hopes, it shows you how beautiful it is. The more we get comfortable, the harder we hit the floor when we fall. So I am trying consciously to not take it for granted. I say that every time. Let us hope I stick to it this time.

I spoke of a plan. But I have realized that although there is a plan, you have no control over it. It is all destiny. Now I know some of you would come up with all that "I make my own destiny" and stuff like that, and I myself believe that destiny does not mean you leave everything up to it and stop doing things on your own, but there is a plan.

As for now I am trying to cope up with the changes in my life. Things seem to look up but I can only embrace all that with open arms - with a slight reluctance in my mind that it can change any moment, any time. Perspectives have been changing and things are being re considered. Procrastination is taking a backseat while de-cluttering steers the vessel of my life. Funny how a hot cup of coffee and the perfect weather outside can string out all the thoughts like unwinding a ball of yarn.

Hope everyone is doing well!

This was not part of the plan

This was not part of the plan. This, my life. My close friend told me that maybe this was a part of a bigger plan. I certainly hope so. I wanted to be somewhere else. I wanted to be someone else. I wanted to be with someone, forget someone else. I do not rant here. I do not want to rant here. I should not rant here. On another note, maybe my life is taking a turn for the better, coz it couldn't get any worse, really. I am thinking of shutting this blog down. Too many memories. But then again, I can erase them from here. What do I do with my mind? Funny.

Of wishes and hopes and everything else.

2011 has been an interesting year so far. I don't know if it's me who is growing up or whether the world is just more in my face now. I can see so many changes in myself, it's remarkable. Don't know if it is a good thing or a bad thing, but I feel better about myself and about the world so I guess it must be working out for me. Suddenly things which did not matter a lot start making a lot more difference. Like

Hot Pink Pumps
Slutty Red Lipstick
Oh yeah, the Chanel Nail Polish
Dolce Vita Nude High Heels
That Vero Moda Dress
Going for Muesli with Strawberry Milk over Doughnuts for breakfast
Oh, the Skirt I saw at Zara
A Louis Vuitton clutch (First copy would do too, I am not very pricey like that)
All that chunky jewelry
My Kohl, although it stands at the same place as it always did. Right at the top.

Materialism, You may think? I think not. I would settle for something that is not a huge brand. But I did realize the importance of these things. I mean I know I went all out about inner beauty and stuff like that, but if you feel beautiful inside, you gotta make sure you feel beautiful outside too, right?

Why think of something that you would only dream of wearing when you can go ahead and get it? It's mostly about me feeling good for myself. I no longer call women who wear bright red nail polish as sluts. Because I started wearing it too. If you wanna call me a slut for that, go ahead! But it makes me feel good about myself. Why would I want a man telling me how beautiful I am when I know it for a fact myself? So I have decided to go ahead and make doll myself up, for no one else but myself.

Last month I went out and bought a pair of my first ever High Heels. I am not too tall, but I am not short either. 5 feet 7 is a decent height to go with flats OR heels. But I thought to myself, you know what? you need to go ahead and get these pair of heels just because you have always dreamed of it and never really had the courage to try it on coz you felt too conscious. I tried them on, I felt great instantly. The following week I bought them. Best. Decision. Ever.

The next thing I did was to buy me Hot Red Nail paint and a Dark Red Lipstick. I tried it on. I felt good. I did not know I could look so much prettier with a little bit of make up. Now I must clarify myself here, I am still not in favor of cake-like layers of make up on my face. I think I am naturally good looking like that. No concealing needed in that department. A little bit goes a long way, but a little bit of bold goes even longer. So I bought them too. I wore them to a party last week. Best. Decision. Ever.

I bought me some chunky jewelry and decided to make use of my long hair for once by tying them into various hairstyles each day. Not too loud, but people are noticing the difference. More than the people, I am noticing the difference. I am in love with myself, and I fucking love it. The best love is self love, but then again it is like dancing on a sword, you gotta be very careful you do not cross the safe zone or it will end up cutting you.

I try to stay healthy because I love myself. I do not feel like gorging out on junk food anymore. When I do, I go ahead and eat it. But mostly I have been making smart choices when it comes to eating right and living right. Did it affect my weighing scale? Not a lot. Inches? A LOT. Besides, it makes me feel healthier and more motivated.

I think life has taught me many important lessons in the past and I will always use them as my guide towards what not to do and how not to be a major asshole. But the best thing is, since I love myself, I make sure that I am not letting myself down. Do I feel a void? No. Is there a void? Yes. But it doesn't matter. I'll get through it. Let me put on some of that expensive new blush I bought myself and shadow my eyes so that I hide all that behind it. I love myself. I waited for the 6 hours that lasted 45 days, I will wait for the 24 hours which would last 6 months at the same rate. I will wait. Will I be the same? I think not. But I will wait. Let's see how many more materials I stash in my already full closet.

How has everyone been? Has 2011 changed anything for you?

I felt like writing but...

... There is nothing to say. So I'm gonna leave this post blank.









































Peace.

Prose Mashup : You Found Me v/s Remembering Sunday

He woke up from dreaming and put on his shoes
Started making his way past 2 in the morning
He hasn't been sober for days.....

The sudden realization of urgency makes us more impatient with every passing tick on the clock. Search for it inside, outside, around and beyond... Only to ask ourselves.. What exactly am I looking for here? Can't think straight, loss of focus, never knew that a void this huge existed within.

Where were you
When everything was falling apart?
All my days
Were spent by the telephone
That never rang
And all I needed was a call
That never came
To the corner of First and Amistad

You get comfortable with your discomfort. It doesn't even hurt anymore. Loneliness feels like a sweet, sweet pain. You scream it out loud, but no one can hear it, coz' you've built a soundproof wall all around yourself. I recently read somewhere- sometimes, the walls that we build around us aren't necessarily there to keep people out, but to see who cares enough and is worthy enough to break in. But all that you get to hear is your own echo, and you think,' I'm okay that way'. You let someone into your life and they just break your heart into pieces then walk all over it. Maybe the only person that you can trust is yourself after all.

Even though she doesn't believe in love,
He's determined to call her bluff
Who could deny these butterflies?
They're filling his gut
Waking the neighbors, unfamiliar faces
He pleads though he tries
But he's only denied
Now he's dying to get inside

*humming to self*"Lost and insecure.... You found me... Lying on the floor.. Surrounded... Why'd you have to wait, where were you?... Just a little late.... You found me.." WHY NOW? you were not here when you had to be, then why bother now? You could have just lied to me, you know!

Why'd you have to wait?
To find me, to find me...

Turn off that radio, take a nice hot shower, look at yourself in the mirror, It looks unbearable. But hey the good side is that you have now perfectly learnt to mask your emotions behind that fake smile. No, but the eyes don't lie. A silent tear rolls down your cheek...

I'm not coming back ,
I've done something so terrible
I'm terrified to speak ,
But you'd expect that from me
I'm mixed up, I'll be blunt, now the rain is just
Washing you out of my hair and out of my mind
Keeping an eye on the world,
From so many thousands of feet off the ground, I'm over you now
I'm at home in the clouds, and towering over your head

.... you wipe that tear, and then you smile at yourself. Perfect. No one will notice.

Well I guess I'll go home now...
I guess I'll go home now...
I guess I'll go home now...
I guess I'll go home.

Rotten Apples

It really sucks when someone you are awfully close to goes missing without any notice. I mean, what are you supposed to do? Wait for them when there are no signs of them showing up day after day after day? Or are you supposed to be worried about them when there is no way of reaching them except for email and messages to which you receive no response? Are you supposed to be angry at them for not being available, or are you supposed to feel the constant blues?

Our mind is really funny... Sometimes it gets attached to an idea of a person, the person we want to be, or the person we want to be with, or the person we want to fall for, just the whole idea is so amusing that we start living in an illusion which makes us happy and keeps us going, gives us the motivation to move ahead.

The point which confuses me is, since there is an almost invisible line between reality and illusion... How far can we go? How far could we believe it? People come and go but some of them, we really want to stay besides us. So do we let the real person go and keep staying with the illusion?

Don't know if any of you is familiar with this feeling...
Life's a bitch like that!

New Year Checklist

First of all, wishing everyone a very happy new year!

Thought of having me a checklist this year :) Let's see how well I do at the end of the year :P

1. Health is wealth. Concentrate on my health and overall well being.

3. Learn to get out of my shell. Dance like no ones watching me.

4. Focus more on my career path this year. Get a freaking job!

5. Take a trip, with a friend. Or even all alone. Just some me time.

6. Learn to trust people. But not to over trust them.

7. Give space, take space. Give respect, take respect.

8. Buy a new cellphone.

9. Get a new hair do.

10. Try to blog regularly :P

11. Try to learn a new language. Not the basic, but the advanced.

12. Buy at least 4 new pairs of shoes. It is harder than it seems when you have a size 13 women shoe :P

13. Change my blog url.

Well that is it (for now)
I would love yo know your checklists!! Leave a comment :)
Wish you guys a very very happy 2011 once again!
Love,
Me.