Growing Up = Letting Go.

Life has been throwing minor punches in my face so frequently over the past few months that I have become non responsive and have decided to give in and absorb what I can. There were numerous instances when I thought about going ahead and blogging about it, but you know what, it all felt incomplete. Like there is a lot more coming my way. Playing Miss Spongebob has helped me in more ways than I can imagine and introspection in itself has been dug deep into and revelations that took place only brought out how much in denial I had been living for the past half a decade. But that is all part of growing up, right? Right.

From indulging into retail therapy to realizing the importance of knowing my body as a medium to know myself, from turning into a social animal to embracing something I knew always existed within me but never found the drive to give my everything to it, from changing my wardrobe to changing my look, from deleting my laptop and computer history to renaming every single folder on there, from reading between the lines to regretting being a whorezilla to people, it has been a real steep learning curve, and only one thing has been constant - Change.

I think one can only find happiness inside their heart when they learn to let go. Let it go people, for real. Coz the best feeling in this world is when you forgive people, when you forgive yourselves, and keep this in mind that life is nothing but a series of changes, which you will keep adapting to, now and forever. I have had a hard time letting go of people who managed to hurt me, and here's the thing about that - people can hurt me only if they have been that close to me or have had me love them at one point or the other. I do not get hurt by strangers. But when I do get hurt, I find myself in that awkward spot where I feel they might have belittled me just coz I loved them unconditionally, which in turn unleashes the bitchy whore in me. And then I just spew out words right from my emotional gutter, inventing new things and just filling out my own heart with hatred. That was so not cool. I should specify one thing though, no matter how much hate I send at you, I will NEVER, EVER wish badly for you. I can promise you that much.

But here I am, apologizing my heart out to anyone I might have bitched about, knowingly or unknowingly, or hurt them in any way whatsoever. Except one person, who hurt me so bad that I have not found it in my heart to be nice to them yet. I don't think that's gonna happen either. But yeah, other than that, Please forgive me guys, and know that I love all of you the same.

Life, like it is.

I have been learning this more and more as each day passes - Life is unpredictable. Just when you think you've got it all figured out, it pulls you down to rock bottom and just when you have almost given up and have no more hopes, it shows you how beautiful it is. The more we get comfortable, the harder we hit the floor when we fall. So I am trying consciously to not take it for granted. I say that every time. Let us hope I stick to it this time.

I spoke of a plan. But I have realized that although there is a plan, you have no control over it. It is all destiny. Now I know some of you would come up with all that "I make my own destiny" and stuff like that, and I myself believe that destiny does not mean you leave everything up to it and stop doing things on your own, but there is a plan.

As for now I am trying to cope up with the changes in my life. Things seem to look up but I can only embrace all that with open arms - with a slight reluctance in my mind that it can change any moment, any time. Perspectives have been changing and things are being re considered. Procrastination is taking a backseat while de-cluttering steers the vessel of my life. Funny how a hot cup of coffee and the perfect weather outside can string out all the thoughts like unwinding a ball of yarn.

Hope everyone is doing well!

This was not part of the plan

This was not part of the plan. This, my life. My close friend told me that maybe this was a part of a bigger plan. I certainly hope so. I wanted to be somewhere else. I wanted to be someone else. I wanted to be with someone, forget someone else. I do not rant here. I do not want to rant here. I should not rant here. On another note, maybe my life is taking a turn for the better, coz it couldn't get any worse, really. I am thinking of shutting this blog down. Too many memories. But then again, I can erase them from here. What do I do with my mind? Funny.

Of wishes and hopes and everything else.

2011 has been an interesting year so far. I don't know if it's me who is growing up or whether the world is just more in my face now. I can see so many changes in myself, it's remarkable. Don't know if it is a good thing or a bad thing, but I feel better about myself and about the world so I guess it must be working out for me. Suddenly things which did not matter a lot start making a lot more difference. Like

Hot Pink Pumps
Slutty Red Lipstick
Oh yeah, the Chanel Nail Polish
Dolce Vita Nude High Heels
That Vero Moda Dress
Going for Muesli with Strawberry Milk over Doughnuts for breakfast
Oh, the Skirt I saw at Zara
A Louis Vuitton clutch (First copy would do too, I am not very pricey like that)
All that chunky jewelry
My Kohl, although it stands at the same place as it always did. Right at the top.

Materialism, You may think? I think not. I would settle for something that is not a huge brand. But I did realize the importance of these things. I mean I know I went all out about inner beauty and stuff like that, but if you feel beautiful inside, you gotta make sure you feel beautiful outside too, right?

Why think of something that you would only dream of wearing when you can go ahead and get it? It's mostly about me feeling good for myself. I no longer call women who wear bright red nail polish as sluts. Because I started wearing it too. If you wanna call me a slut for that, go ahead! But it makes me feel good about myself. Why would I want a man telling me how beautiful I am when I know it for a fact myself? So I have decided to go ahead and make doll myself up, for no one else but myself.

Last month I went out and bought a pair of my first ever High Heels. I am not too tall, but I am not short either. 5 feet 7 is a decent height to go with flats OR heels. But I thought to myself, you know what? you need to go ahead and get these pair of heels just because you have always dreamed of it and never really had the courage to try it on coz you felt too conscious. I tried them on, I felt great instantly. The following week I bought them. Best. Decision. Ever.

The next thing I did was to buy me Hot Red Nail paint and a Dark Red Lipstick. I tried it on. I felt good. I did not know I could look so much prettier with a little bit of make up. Now I must clarify myself here, I am still not in favor of cake-like layers of make up on my face. I think I am naturally good looking like that. No concealing needed in that department. A little bit goes a long way, but a little bit of bold goes even longer. So I bought them too. I wore them to a party last week. Best. Decision. Ever.

I bought me some chunky jewelry and decided to make use of my long hair for once by tying them into various hairstyles each day. Not too loud, but people are noticing the difference. More than the people, I am noticing the difference. I am in love with myself, and I fucking love it. The best love is self love, but then again it is like dancing on a sword, you gotta be very careful you do not cross the safe zone or it will end up cutting you.

I try to stay healthy because I love myself. I do not feel like gorging out on junk food anymore. When I do, I go ahead and eat it. But mostly I have been making smart choices when it comes to eating right and living right. Did it affect my weighing scale? Not a lot. Inches? A LOT. Besides, it makes me feel healthier and more motivated.

I think life has taught me many important lessons in the past and I will always use them as my guide towards what not to do and how not to be a major asshole. But the best thing is, since I love myself, I make sure that I am not letting myself down. Do I feel a void? No. Is there a void? Yes. But it doesn't matter. I'll get through it. Let me put on some of that expensive new blush I bought myself and shadow my eyes so that I hide all that behind it. I love myself. I waited for the 6 hours that lasted 45 days, I will wait for the 24 hours which would last 6 months at the same rate. I will wait. Will I be the same? I think not. But I will wait. Let's see how many more materials I stash in my already full closet.

How has everyone been? Has 2011 changed anything for you?

I felt like writing but...

... There is nothing to say. So I'm gonna leave this post blank.









































Peace.

Prose Mashup : You Found Me v/s Remembering Sunday

He woke up from dreaming and put on his shoes
Started making his way past 2 in the morning
He hasn't been sober for days.....

The sudden realization of urgency makes us more impatient with every passing tick on the clock. Search for it inside, outside, around and beyond... Only to ask ourselves.. What exactly am I looking for here? Can't think straight, loss of focus, never knew that a void this huge existed within.

Where were you
When everything was falling apart?
All my days
Were spent by the telephone
That never rang
And all I needed was a call
That never came
To the corner of First and Amistad

You get comfortable with your discomfort. It doesn't even hurt anymore. Loneliness feels like a sweet, sweet pain. You scream it out loud, but no one can hear it, coz' you've built a soundproof wall all around yourself. I recently read somewhere- sometimes, the walls that we build around us aren't necessarily there to keep people out, but to see who cares enough and is worthy enough to break in. But all that you get to hear is your own echo, and you think,' I'm okay that way'. You let someone into your life and they just break your heart into pieces then walk all over it. Maybe the only person that you can trust is yourself after all.

Even though she doesn't believe in love,
He's determined to call her bluff
Who could deny these butterflies?
They're filling his gut
Waking the neighbors, unfamiliar faces
He pleads though he tries
But he's only denied
Now he's dying to get inside

*humming to self*"Lost and insecure.... You found me... Lying on the floor.. Surrounded... Why'd you have to wait, where were you?... Just a little late.... You found me.." WHY NOW? you were not here when you had to be, then why bother now? You could have just lied to me, you know!

Why'd you have to wait?
To find me, to find me...

Turn off that radio, take a nice hot shower, look at yourself in the mirror, It looks unbearable. But hey the good side is that you have now perfectly learnt to mask your emotions behind that fake smile. No, but the eyes don't lie. A silent tear rolls down your cheek...

I'm not coming back ,
I've done something so terrible
I'm terrified to speak ,
But you'd expect that from me
I'm mixed up, I'll be blunt, now the rain is just
Washing you out of my hair and out of my mind
Keeping an eye on the world,
From so many thousands of feet off the ground, I'm over you now
I'm at home in the clouds, and towering over your head

.... you wipe that tear, and then you smile at yourself. Perfect. No one will notice.

Well I guess I'll go home now...
I guess I'll go home now...
I guess I'll go home now...
I guess I'll go home.

Rotten Apples

It really sucks when someone you are awfully close to goes missing without any notice. I mean, what are you supposed to do? Wait for them when there are no signs of them showing up day after day after day? Or are you supposed to be worried about them when there is no way of reaching them except for email and messages to which you receive no response? Are you supposed to be angry at them for not being available, or are you supposed to feel the constant blues?

Our mind is really funny... Sometimes it gets attached to an idea of a person, the person we want to be, or the person we want to be with, or the person we want to fall for, just the whole idea is so amusing that we start living in an illusion which makes us happy and keeps us going, gives us the motivation to move ahead.

The point which confuses me is, since there is an almost invisible line between reality and illusion... How far can we go? How far could we believe it? People come and go but some of them, we really want to stay besides us. So do we let the real person go and keep staying with the illusion?

Don't know if any of you is familiar with this feeling...
Life's a bitch like that!

New Year Checklist

First of all, wishing everyone a very happy new year!

Thought of having me a checklist this year :) Let's see how well I do at the end of the year :P

1. Health is wealth. Concentrate on my health and overall well being.

3. Learn to get out of my shell. Dance like no ones watching me.

4. Focus more on my career path this year. Get a freaking job!

5. Take a trip, with a friend. Or even all alone. Just some me time.

6. Learn to trust people. But not to over trust them.

7. Give space, take space. Give respect, take respect.

8. Buy a new cellphone.

9. Get a new hair do.

10. Try to blog regularly :P

11. Try to learn a new language. Not the basic, but the advanced.

12. Buy at least 4 new pairs of shoes. It is harder than it seems when you have a size 13 women shoe :P

13. Change my blog url.

Well that is it (for now)
I would love yo know your checklists!! Leave a comment :)
Wish you guys a very very happy 2011 once again!
Love,
Me.

Why I love Christmas...

Christmas holds a special place in my heart since I can remember. It's not just a festival for me, but a complete season. The atmosphere is buzzing with the festive spirit all around the world, and it times the perfect mark for closing the ends and opening new beginnings. Now before any of you start to think why am I so biased towards Christmas, let me clarify... I have my reasons for why I love this beautiful season!

When I was a little girl, I used to write notes to Santa every year and put them up in my socks every Christmas eve, and the morning excitement knew no bounds :) One year I wrote to Santa to get me a big ol' Christmas Tree, and guess what, I got it! :P A 5 feet long artificial tree <3 I have managed to put up a Christmas Tree almost every year since then, and I decorate it with lots of cotton and all those small gift boxes, and bells, and ribbons, everything!

It's funny that even when the time has changed, and decades have passed by, Christmas still manages to evoke the same feeling in my heart, every year, year after year. I found out who my Santa was, and grew up eventually, but the excitement still remains! Add to it, the weather is beautiful this time of the year, and there is no noise, smoke or pollution involved. The carols playing in the background make you wanna smile instantly, no matter how sad you are.

This Christmas is quite different to me as compared to the last few years. It does mark the ending of an end and the beginning of a new season, of love. It marks the beginning of a new person, a new attitude, a new approach, and a new goal. So this December, I put an end to all the misery and promise myself to remember myself, and cherish the people I love. I apologize to everyone whom I have hurt, knowingly or unknowingly, or have spoken badly of. I forgive everyone who was bad to me, and hurt me or made me upset. I do this because, 2010 was a really bad year for most of the people including me, and I hit rock bottom, but now I have nowhere to go, except up. So here I am, starting on a brand new page, with nothing but smiles and love to give, and forget all the pain and sorrow.

Wishing everyone a Merry Christmas and a very happy 2011 :)
Me.

Tag Time - My Sins Against Gender Stereotypes... Yay!

Thanks for the tag SB :)

Alright, so let me give this a try... Ummm

1. When I was young, and people gave a call at home for some or the other reason, they always thought I was my brother, and vice versa :P [I used to sound like a guy!] I was a complete tomboy, I had very few girl friends and I used to play cricket with the guys every evening!

2. I love taking "panga". I was always notorious. Sure, I looked like this innocent girl who could do no wrong, but only I know how many girls' plates have I studded with pen pencil lead and threw rockets in class and got punished this one time for beating a guy :| [I was a very good student though].

3. I dress for comfort. I don't know if that counts as anything, but I would be rarely seen decking up unless it is a really special occasion and it is absolutely imperative to do so. I have literally gone out with friends wearing bathroom slippers at one point of time.

4. I was, and still am, ADDICTED to WWE. I love watching it! And The Rock is my eternal hero <3

5. I am an absolute gizmo freak! I love having/knowing about different kinds of gadgets and how they work!

6. I have a huge commitment phobia [Which I am not proud of].

7. I love playing games on Xbox and on my PC and also the old classic video game. Yet to get my hands on PS! But yeah I have exploited the PSP well enough so that can wait for sometime ;)

8. I like looking at ladies (Wonder if this counts?). I really feel attracted to the beauty of women. Do not jump to conclusions. Can't girls check out other girls? It is just appreciation!

9. I chose a career path which was comparatively less taken by the average woman! So well, that is another "sin" :P I have had my share of lows and lowers in this field, but right now I am at rock bottom which I think is a good place, coz' the only way I can go from here, is UP :)

10. Last but not the least, I guess I cannot express myself like the usual girls do. I think guys are like that too, I mean I cannot come out with my emotions very easily. Actually I cannot come out with them at all.

So there, 10 sins against gender stereotype! :)
The good thing about doing tags is they never fail to teach you something more about yourself. Stuff that you never knew existed in you! Thanks once again SB!

I tag everyone :D And please leave me a link if you decide to do the tag!