Jun 10, 2009

Dead and Gone...

I turn my head to the east, I don't see nobody by my side
I turn my head to the west, still nobody in sight.....

Lately I have been approached by a couple of my old friends from school, they are my close friends. They say, I have changed. From what I was before. It's a drastic difference in how I have been behaving in this span of 4 years. I agree with them. But does friendship change?

I was a complete "Filmy Character" till I was 18 years old. I used to talk a lot [endlessly], trust people too easily, love people unconditionally, expect a lot from everyone around me, and blame things a lot on every body else. My life was like an open book. I used to live in a reel life world, where I am running in a dark forest, when a knight in shining armor comes to rescue me on his white horse and then takes me away on a land far, far away.. I used to imagine myself in every movie that I watched that time. Every single movie. I used to even dress in loud tacky ways with temporary tattoos on each arm [One with a cupid and the other with a heart]. Sigh.. Those were the days when I could just be as stupid as I liked. And ofcourse, friendship back then was like.. Sharing everything! Right from the sizes of our everything to how many times we went to the loo to every thing about our love lives. Those were the days!

And then, I went away from home, away from friends, at a land far,far away, hoping to find my prince charming there, with a million dreams in my eyes. Enter the real life. I got a smack on my head every single day. I learnt new things. I had to "judge" people now. I had to worry about right and wrong all of a sudden. Most of all, I had to be responsible now. I still tried to be the same one, trusting every one, caring for every one, loving every one, and letting every one know every thing about me. But well, I learnt what life is in a very very hard way. I learnt, I lived, I coped up, and eventually I got good at it. It is what I am now.

In the 4 years that I was away, I spoke to my friends back in India a handful of times, and according to me, it was the same old conversation, atleast from my side, and it felt like we had spoken just yesterday. I spoke and spoke and spoke, but I could feel the reluctance in their voices, wanting to say things but not being able to, just because I was calling from a long distance. Ah well, inspite of me asking, the answer was always, "Everything is fine".

I got back to India last June, as a changed person, and I have been having trouble adjusting eversince. I am still adjusting with every thing around me. Especially friendships. I have stopped socialising. One reason is because I love being alone, second being that I will feel left alone in a crowd. After a lot of coaxing [from their side] I met my close friends last November. It was just like before [from my side again] and we spoke endlessly. The reply from the opposite end was still "Everything is fine".

Oh hey, I've been travelin' on this road too long
Just tryin' to find my way back home
But the old me's dead and gone
Dead and gone

After 6 months, I come to know that there was nothing fine. Things were harshly wrong with this friend of mine. I think she decided herself that it was time that she stopped sharing stuff with her old buddies. We just stood amazed and wondering, as she threw bombs of shocking realities one after the other on us. I thought that things were supposed to be the same.. But they weren't. Nonetheless, we thought this was the incident that would bridge the gap between us and things would be hunky dorie again.

Now, I receive a call, last month, and my friend [the same one] says that I am not the same anymore. She thinks I have changed. She thinks I hide stuff. She thinks I don't tell her things. Really? What were you doing wandering on the streets last night in Mumbai all alone all night, when you told me you would be reaching home? Why did you tell me that you wanted to meet me, when really you wanted an excuse to meet someone else? Is this your friendship? Really? And I have changed...?

......I turn my head to the east, I don't see nobody by my side
I turn my head to the west, still nobody in sight
So I turn my head to the north, swallow that pill that they call pride
That old me's dead and gone but the new me will be alright...

... I love this song.

Friendship is nothing less than a Love affair, and a Love affair is nothing more than friendship.
-As said by the great Satans Darling


nikhil said...

Awesome post...And i love the song too :p

Chriz said...

its good.. if you have changed predominantly in a bigger way in the last 4 years, it is indeed a good sign..

people who emotionally mature, do change a lot in their characteristical expressions.. seeing from your post, you have gone through such a phase .. and your profession myte have aided you big time for the change..

as always change is the only constant thing and we all change for good.

Satans Darling™ said...

Thank you Niku :P

Satans Darling™ said...

I agree Chriz, people really need to understand that I cannot speak on phone for 2 3 hrs at a stretch now :-s Even 20 mins is a lot for me now :D

Miss Sunshine said...

Everyone changes! I was the shy, reserved, quiet types 4 years ago, and u knw me now. Blabbermouth :P
That's me. haha
Maybe I'll revert back or whatever ;)
and kaunsa song hai?

kavita said...

I hope you guys find your friendship again...no matter how much time has changed both of you....misunderstanding happens but friendship overcomes all.PLZ.dont loose hope on your friendship....

Hopeless Romantic said...

No one can understand this feeling better than me, i have lost friends ( at times i used to say my best friends once upon a time), met new friends and then lost them again!

I guess i have become emotionally more stronger from all this. it hurts at times, but then life moves on. People change but at times they change too much, just dont loose ur emotions when ur changing for the better !


Satans Darling™ said...


Change is a part of growth :)

The song is Dead and Gone by Justin Timberlake and T.I.

Satans Darling™ said...


That is one thing I cannot do. I can never lose hope :P Like JT said earlier, What goes around comes around, and I am sure things will be better again :)


Satans Darling™ said...


Ditto from my side. It's a void hard to fill. And the irony is, they say we change, but look who has changed :)

ZiLliOnBiG said...

i understand truely wjat you have said. I too have changes quite rapidly and that alienated a lot of people. Of course people need to change, and do so once they are through college.

I am sure you too would have changed, but you dont make out. Cheers, nice post:)

Ragpicker said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ragpicker said...

Hmm, though I share somewhat same kinda story to that of yours but frankly my life has been more like what you see in the action packed hollywood movies :P that too in every sense.

I guess I have no added wisdom to share here since most of your blog speaks of a mature transition in you within time and space. I would however share something that I feel would be of immense good to you and I hope it will make a lot of unexplained questions inside your mind clear..

Joe Marshalla - The Mechanics of Mind Control

Do watch it even though it may appear a little preachy at the beginning but makes perfect sense at the end of it all.

P.S : Just incase I would let you know that I may be the most alienated soul on the planet since I am on a hibernation mode from a wagon load of friends (around 300 - no kidding here :P) for the past one year as such I am still hogging on the cyberspace - data is the food , information is my air , network is my home and I changed into a ghost !

Tkc ash.

Anonymous said...

the great SD said true .. guess i m going through the phase of change which you have finished !!

PULKIT said...

this is life!
its a lesson... you learn in totality when you are through with it!!
keep up the realizations, the assesments, and the analysis in place!
ur expression rocks... when you give each of them words!

Ur an honest and pure human being!


ARUNA said...

this is life Ash....every experience, good or bad is a learning, there may b happy moments n there may b sad moments too.A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down and only a true friend can grow separately without growing apart.

Aw.S.M said...

awwww...hug logi...:)

I guess time away from home...strengthens u in many ways eh. Makes u more of an individual. Makes you more used to the self. And in many ways i know what u mean. And i believe u know i know :P.

Well u know the thing about friendship is, its quite easy to resolve if there is a rift. But someone needs to take the initiative and there in lies the problem within a problem.

You could always try to talk things through with ur bud but the way u ve written everything suggests u wont coz u dont think its ur fault and u r comfortable being alone...

Time changes people yaar and u ve realised it and moved on..but u know deep inside if u care to look ...u ll find the same person u ve always known and loved. :)


fms1988 said...

Great post Ash !
& The track i jus loveeee it :D

It happens alot in ur teens ur diff & as u mature u seem to change for the better,Sometime's people close to us find it hard to accept even though we know that we are not the only one that has changed.Our friends change without realising & they turn to us saying "YOU CHANGED".

It's a common & annoying phase of life :)

& True say friendship no less than a love affair !


Amal Bose said...

sometimes not seeing or being with each other for a while can affection the relationships.. its not that they have changed, you wont feel the connection as before..
but i think u shd sort it all out, after all friendships are supposed to be forever

Arv said...

This post is so me... but thankfully the close friends have realised that I have not changed much :)

take care da... cheers...

Anonymous said...

Well written darling.. U stand in the present and look back, u think when did everything chanaged ?? We live as if nothing is gonna change. We try to hold on things v love the most. But fail to understand life is all about change.In this post ur feelings are flowing with each of ur word.

neeraj_only said...

Hey ashri , i hv always been bad friend ( changing location frequently , in the process lost friend )....but i hv got good friends in 4 years ( see things change )...i'm better friend then ever :)

keep on enjoying life...b'coz we never know when we changed ....we have to live with changes.

P.s : again serious side of ashrita....why so serious?....me passing chill pill

Satans Darling™ said...


Oh yes, I have changed and how! And I know it too.. But somethings in me would never change and friendship is one of them. The feelings are the same even if we talk daily or even if we talk once in a month.

Satans Darling™ said...


I have alienated many friends too. And I kinda like it...! And that video is long, it will take time to load, but I'm definitely watching it :)

Thank you for the feedback Ghost! :P

Satans Darling™ said...

Prats! All the best with that lady! Many unexpected things coming your way if that is the case... Brace yourself.


Satans Darling™ said...


Thanks for that compliment. Well, I believe that realization and assessment comes automatically as long as we have our feet in the ground and we stick to the basic principles of our lives :) What say you?

Satans Darling™ said...


Every word you said has been noted down by me in my diary. Point duly noted, and I am only realizing it in different ways as days go by...

Satans Darling™ said...

Oh I know you know Amith :P :)

Yeah, the crack can be mended, but the mark stays.. And I did take the initiative because I wanted to clear things out. But since the opposite person decides to render it all with deaf ears, then I might as well not speak. Sounds pretty okay to me!

Life changes and Priorities change too. Whenever I watch FRIENDS [And I know you can relate with this very well] I can see these people giving up on their crushes and boyfriends for the sake of their friends. It is vital that your better half and your best friends get along. Atleast to me it is.

Some people just love to go out there and do their thing just ignoring all the advice you ever gave them [They think you preach, but you're just trying to help]. Now, I am not letting these things come in my way anymore. You live happily, I live happily, let us have fun together, but let us not even discuss that department.

Oh yes, and thank you so much for that hug :)

Satans Darling™ said...

I agree Fatima, It is annoying indeed!

Isn't the track just awesome! :)

Satans Darling™ said...


The friendship will stay, but I don't know if it will be the same again :)

Satans Darling™ said...

Arv, you just gave me hope. I hope my friends realize it too someday.

Satans Darling™ said...


I am sensing that you felt it while you read it. Change is definitely a inevitable part of life, but accepting changes is an inevitable task too.

Satans Darling™ said...


I was a little angry, but I am not serious :D It takes a lot for me to get serious :P I was having fun last night and I am having fun this morning and will continue to do so come what may :D [ So Shameless I am ! ]

mysterious gal said...

My My do i even need to tell what i feel about this topic because i guess u already know my points :)

i remember i told someone 5 years back i m a expert in losing best friends...he assured me i wouldnt any longer....but then i lost him too and i realized Friends becoming rather close end up leaving ...Alas thats life...people change life change

i somehow alienated myself 3 years ago due to career concerns and am still into hibernation for them....though i have started making friends again now....but somehow that change forever

and trust me friends who can accept u and the change in friendship are there for keeps! i remember me and bestie...had a period of alienation...where our perspective, our views were diverse.....we somehow didnt have nething to talk about(Imagine me not having nething to talk :P).....and then we realized and she felt we can never go back to being besties.....and since she was abt to get married i felt...o shit i will never have her back...but then we realized we worked.....and then one day she said u know nabs we have worked the distance....now we accept the changes, the changes in us and yet we can talk for hours.....I let many friends go but this one i wanted because i knew it was worth it.....now i know why i will have that friendship always...because i maintained the balance of closeness and the privacy for past 15 yrs.....rest of my frnds since school have changed too...but i knew bridging the gap wdnt still bring me close to them so i left it as it was going......even if perceptive change....acceptance of difference is what keeps the silence away from frndship

Too much closeness brings jealousy, possessiveness and expectations and that kills the frndship ....and too much distance create a silence which is killing....so key to best frndship is always the balance

gosh u made me write a post in the comments...i still lose friends....but then that's life and i move on with a perception i can never have more than my share in life....Just give frndship the best shot always ...i still do that...because friends r the only people who keep me going and alive till date

I love the song...so true at times :)

I m glad i do have a frnd like u for life

I Love you angel

Satans Darling™ said...

Whoaaa.. Long post.. I am so glad to have your views on this Nabs, and the song holds true for me bigtime. It is very important to strike that balance like you said. My point was and is the same, no matter if ones friends go to some other planet, if they are true friends, the basics ought to be the same!

Miss Cynical ღ Åйu ღ said...

So what if people change is my QuestioN!

lifestyles change, the friend's circle changes, colleagues change, place we live in, what we read, what we listen, even our choices .. so many things are changing on a regular basis that it would be impossible for people to change..we make certain changes consciously..

i can relate myself a lot with the part 'liking being alone' coz somewhere it helps me grow.

whether my friends talk to me today, tomorrow, a week later or even 10 years.. i'd prefer accepting people the way they are, no matter how good or how bad.. sometimes, it amuses me when i come across weirdos who can talk dirty gross and who dont pretend they are sophisticated just coz it takes me to a whole new realm !

ps: why cant i write on anything and everything. :| its so difficult for me to come up with topics to write! :| .. great post once agaiN!
>:D< mwah!

Satans Darling™ said...


I'm hearing you, and I agree with you too..!

P.S. Just write when you feel like, what you feel like. You will eventually cover every thing. Your blog looks perfect to me :)

Twisted Elegance.... said...

Call for a party..burn the floor.... Get drunk and you all will be back to your teenage in no time :D

Pesto Sauce said...

Change is perhaps the only constant...old days never come back

Shravan | ശ്രവണ്‍ said...

:) nice quote in the end :P
and the change, it happens !

Quirky Mon said...

nice post.

People change. The simple yet most important realization I'd in the past couple of years. I've changed. So has the ones around me...the dynamics of our relationships change..."close friends" become "just friends", "acquaintances" become "close buddies"...people drift in and out of our lives...our interest and tolerance for other people's presence in our lives vary too over the years. Change is difficult to adapt to initially, but I've got accustomed to it. Expectations have become less, self-reliance gathered more importance that dependency on "close friends who knows every single detail about me". I've cut off people from my life, few have cut me theirs...when endless conversations have turned into awkward silences.

As they say, change is the only thing constant in life. It's human. And it's a good thing.

Satans Darling™ said...

Twisted Elegance,

I don't know your name, but I love calling you that!:)

Well, unfortunately for me, all the things you mentioned above, I alone do them and none of my nerdy geeky and busy friends indulge in it :P

Satans Darling™ said...

Shravan, thanks so much for liking it, that quote just came out randomly, I don't know if someone else has already quoted so :P

Satans Darling™ said...


You and me are similar in more things than we think. Ditto!

Anonymous said...

I so crazy on this song!!!!

Ms.R. said...

I loved the post. (Even I was sort of a 'Filmy Character') Somehoe I could relate to what you said. I'm still in that shell where I don't want to socialize. I am afraid I might discover the same things you did... I'm really sorry about this friend of yours but oh great Satan's Darling! Your quote summed up everything!

Riya said...

hey.. loved the post.. it is exactly wht i wanted to write from so many days.. amzing write up... loved the line.. "i have learnt to live alone.."

Satans Darling™ said...

Thanks for liking it Princess Nuchu :D The song does rock!

Satans Darling™ said...

Miss R,

Oh, you will discover the changes sooner or later. And yeah the quote, it just came out in a flow, I have surprised myself :)

Satans Darling™ said...

Thanks a lot Riya, I am glad you could relate to it. If even one person relates to whatever I say and it does them any good, I feel blessed. Thank you so much for the read!

sHiNiNg sUrYa said...

u seem quite interesting :)
keep writing.
i ll be a frequent reader of urs.

Satans Darling™ said...

Thank you Surya!

hary!! said...

Hey SatanD( dont know yur name dat y :) , well i can easily relate it to my life, for the reason that i was a very merry go person and very extrovert indeed and would speak endlessly on the mobile and all those text messages and stuff, but ever since i came over to Southampton away ..far away from home and friends the sense of loneliness has crept inside me and though initially it was difficult but i like it more ..Being alone, speaking quietly and more as yu have mentioned...and am sure there will be a lot of staring at me when i return back!..most of that yu have mentioned...yes my friends are going to be aghast !
Sorry for such a big comment...but kinda liked yur post!
God Bless....cya


Satans Darling™ said...

Hi Hary :) My name is Ashrita. I know what you're going through.. Thanks a lot for liking it hope it was helpful :)