Oct 5, 2011

That time of the month.

No, I am not talking about PMS, for all those who are wondering.

It's that time of the month, where you just wanna take a rain check on everything just because you are so overwhelmed with all the information that comes to you, good or bad. You just wanna hit the pause button and breathe for a second. You feel happy, sad, angry, excited and upset all at the same time. To sum it up in two words, you feel "messed up". But with people like me this is the story of our lives. Happens with us more often than not. And I love it this way.

This is that time of the year when I go on and on about de-cluttering our closets and hence our lives. With Diwali around the corner I have no other option but to clean my room (It is not dirty, just that I like to collect a lot of unwanted stuff) and discard what is really not required - like bills from a restaurant which is a decade old, or clothes that are never going to fit me again, to my high school notes to old embarrassing diaries. The diary bit, I like. Every year I read it and I evaluate myself. But this time, in the middle of a huge pile of unwanted paperwork, I found an old CD with my ex's name written on it. Curiosity always kills the Cat and I am no exception. I had to check out what was in that CD. In my usual situation, waterworks would follow looking at all those pictures and videos of us together, and all the songs we loved listening to, everything. But you know what, I am alright. I feel happy.

Exes can never be friends - A lesson which I thought I had learned. But then you know what, it is okay to be friends with your exes as long as you know the boundaries and can categorize your heart and mind well. I was friends with one of my exes for a long time till my notion was changed by my recent ex. I am sure my recent ex still wants me to be friends with him as do I, and that is the biggest contradiction to the exes-cannot-be-friends theory. One of the reasons why this does not hold true in my case is that none of my break ups have been ugly. There was no name calling, no hurling abuses, no disrespect and no grudges. So why not be friends then?

I don't know why am I writing all this on here, it is just I am so overwhelmed after watching those videos and seeing the pictures, the whole journey is just flashing right before my eyes. I was this irresponsible, immature, unaware and hyper excited girl, just so happy to be all by herself for once, and look at where I am now. I mean the difference is massive. The sheer loudness in my volume and actions had me sitting jaw dropped in front of my computer screen in a state of a minor shock. The looseness of my posture, the body language, the dressing sense, the messy hair, the skin... I could go on and on. I am kinda freaked out right now. I know I am at a much better place, and can analyze things and have a better judgment of people. I have learned to forgive and I have learned to apologize. I do not have any regrets, and after all, this is how growing up happens right?

It's just that when I look at girls in their late teens now, and see them behaving the exact same way like I did when I was about their age, I probably would try to cut them some slack. One should never jump to conclusions with anyone. Someone very special to me told me that every one is unique. Einstein failed his 10th grade, perhaps because he sucked at sitting there and mugging up everything. But he went on and found out the theory of relativity and much more. Everyone has something special about them. You have something really special about you too. Some people even are really good at being bad people. Just their specialization I guess.

I lost a distant cousin this evening. He was on the bike with his wife and their 8 month old baby, and he passed away on the spot. His wife is under intensive care. The baby is scratch less... I really don't deal with any news involving deaths very well. I just go numb. I don't cry. I don't feel anything. I am feeling very sorry though. But the sheer thought of death of anyone that I love scares the hell out of me. I think it is just a downside of starting to love your life. Ha, you hate your life and you get lemons, when you love it, you still get lemons. But I would still choose to go from here putting on a happy face.

I have a friend who I have lost complete touch with. She lives on the other side of this world. The thing is, while I lost touch with her, I became a good friend of her younger sister who is in her late teens. She is going through a pretty tough time right now. An unwanted pregnancy. Too late to abort. She hasn't told anyone and is living at a shelter as of now. She has a sleeping disorder so she cannot sleep on time. She cannot eat anything because she pukes out most of the food she eats. There are very few times where I have nothing to say, and this is one of those. I just wish her the best and hope she finds the strength to face all this with a brave shield.

On top of all that, I read a blog post today talking about the ABCs of having gal pals without the drama. A lot of that made sense to me. And then I realized that I do have some really cool ladies in my life, more than I would care to admit. Guys in my life are pretty practical and good friends but I'm telling you, when you start looking better, most of them start getting attracted to you and then it all just spirals down into nothingness. So I am happy with my girlies, whom I never gave any credit for being as amazing as they are, and will continue to stay so.

I am just so overwhelmed with everything that is going around me right now, and somehow it is just not enough no matter how much I try to sum it up into words. I am trying to direct it in the most positive way possible, and I really cannot get myself to talk to anyone about all this. But, for the first time since I started my blog, I feel like I am talking to you guys. Just a stupid rant though!


Arv said...

And it aint that bad of a rant either... sometimes, our blogs serve as the ideal place to rant and when we do, we might find that what we feel aint that bad :)

I agree with you on that ex-es part... it might work for sometime, but never in the long run :)

Its a phase and its good that you are listening to it, instead of ignoring it :)

Stay positive and soon this too shall pass :)

Have a lovely day :)


Satans Darling™ said...

You're right, Arv, this too, shall pass :)

Long time!